Jacoby Breaux - A Be Free Story
My name is JaCoby Breaux, I’m from Houston, TX and this is my Be Free Story:
Not to sound corny or cliché but God was my very first best friend. Let me start there. Again..I’m not trying to gas up the whole “Jesus is my Homeboy” societal gaping feed meme. I actually lived it. I was the kid reading to his friends at recess the BIBLE and spending hours in spiritual relation with God in my room with the tunes of Mahalia Jackson, Kirk Franklin and Yolanda Adams in the background. We were best friends.. until I realized who I really was. At least in my head the friendship was a wrap. You see, God doesn’t have gay friends. Thats what 10 year old Coby believed, thus infusing and permeating my every thought, waking and non awake moments with the fear of not being loved by God (or anyone), Never being able to shake the ‘gayness’ monster, being different and ultimately never being able to be TRUE. IF I even knew what that meant.
Fear is a crazy thing. Its brutal, nondiscriminatory, unrelenting, oppressive and subversive. I wanted to get it right, I wanted to become the Pastor that my grandmother seemingly prophesied over my life as a toddler, I wanted the approval and love of my older straight brother, I wanted to love my oldest gay brother, I wanted to marry a beautiful girl (preferably Mariah Carey), I wanted to like sports (I mean, I do have the body of an all state defensive lineman...) But I listened to too much Mariah; (see the last want haha), I wanted to love God and FEEL loved by him (although I was loved by him i didn’t FEEL it), I just couldn’t convince myself that he could love me as a gay man. I wanted to get it right. Needless to say this took me down a spiral of adolescent misery. I became a zombie on the inside, just masking everything I was and everything I truly am.
Depression set in and it became an IV drip that followed me day in and day out. I wanted to break free, I NEEDED to break free. I wanted someone to see me, I wanted someone to save me; but no one knew. I confided into my Best friend at the time who met me with, “I love you and so does God but you cant be gay.” I lived in confusion and wavering empowerment only to be brought back down to my knees. I began to question my entire faith. WHY would God allow me to be gay, WHY would God not make me straight, WHY would God ignore me?? I can’t tell you how many ultimatums i’ve given the Father over the course of my life of what i would do or wouldn’t do if he didn’t make me straight. I told him I would walk away, and thats what i did. It wasn’t working for me anymore, God wasn't working for me anymore; i didn't see how it was possible! So slowly I became a closeted homosexual and then a closeted ‘non-believer’. I’ve hadn't ever felt more alone than that space of time in my life. One day the cork of my emotions exploded while I was driving and tears streamed down my face and I started screaming at the top of my lungs at God in a fit of rage and grief and at that moment i heard an audible voice say to me ever so calmly..”JaCoby, I knew you. Before you knew you. Before you formed into your mother’s womb, I KNEW YOU. Remember Who I am. Remember who I was for you. Before this life became a mess, I came before it and YOU.” It was the first time that i could actually put in memory of hearing God’s opinion on the matter for my life. Thats when things began to change, not necessarily getting 100% better but a change began. You see I had been feeding my fears and telling myself lies about how I thought God saw me. I never loved myself, my true self. God did. I saw myself unworthy of love so i never opened up myself to the thought of being happy with another man. I started by telling myself i was gay, then close friends, I was met with love and disbelief for the most part. Some knew but they still loved me. April 12th, 2012 i sat my mother down and in a looonngg drawn out, in the highest vocab wall climb i had ever attempted i spat the words out. “Ma..I’m gay.” She knew already of course, they always do. She may have a had a huge clue from an instance many years prior.. but that's for another story time. With some stumbles along the way failed friendships and hurt Its made me who I am and taught me I can only be me. THE REAL me.
Although I’ve been out for about 6 years now, I do still at times feel as though I am coming out almost on a daily basis and it does get exhausting; its something I’m more than willing to walk out. You see, my Fears changed; I fear not living my truth, I fear not sharing who i am so that someone can simply know they aren't alone, I fear not allowing myself to fall in true love with the guy of my dreams, which in my heart I believe is tailored out there specifically for me. I fear that i wont be all that God has called me to be. Today it is hard, because i still doubt in many ways, can I do this, Is God REALLY there for me. I’m still stuck on past heartbreaks. But I’m proud of who I am, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. After stumbling across Brian Terada’s podcast for BeFree It was almost like this last light that i needed to illuminate which direction I would ultimately take. I felt like someone cracked my journal and wrote my story down for me. We’re all not that different. What BeFree is doing is something that brings joy to my heart and the message behind it is one that will last for many many years to come. This whole telling my story and truth is new to me, I'm in foreign land, but my heart has led me here for a while now and I’m inspired to walk this out and to see where it takes me. I can go on and on about what Brian and BeFree means to me and my walk but since I am 59 words past my 1,000 word limit haha; I’ll close with this...We all have the yearning and desire to be free, truly free from whatever keeps us in bondage. The keys to our as well as our brothers and sisters’ shackles lie in each other hearts, stories, experiences and willingness to loose one another. We will never..no we CAN NEVER reach our full potential of who we are supposed to be until we are our true unapologetic, authentic selves. That's what i strive for, to be that JaCoby. To love that JaCoby and introduce that JaCoby to world. Thank You Brian and BeFree from the bottom. of. my. heart. for using your keys to unlock the shackled and the bondage of your brothers and sisters. I WILL have freedom. I WILL choose freedom. I am Free.
Much Love, JaCoby